Dr. Ahmed Mohamed Abdel Wahab Writes: When You Become Your Own Adversary… Who Calls a Halt to the Inner Trial?

Article Four in the Mental Health Series

By Dr. Ahmed Mohamed Abdel Wahab

The day ends, the house grows quiet, and the doors close. Yet for some of us, a long reckoning is only beginning. A misplaced word, an opportunity we hesitated to seize, a task we did not complete as well as we had hoped. We summon the details one by one, then deliver a harsh verdict: “It’s my fault. I always ruin everything.”

In that moment, we may forget the hours we spent trying, the responsibilities we fulfilled, and the small things we managed to put right. Our view narrows until only the mistake remains, and a single incident becomes evidence against our entire lives.

In the previous article, we discussed the boundaries that protect our time and energy in relationships with others. Today, we turn to a relationship that follows us everywhere: our relationship with ourselves, and the way we speak to ourselves when we struggle or stumble.

There is a meaningful difference between saying, “I acted in a way that needs correcting,” and saying, “I am a failure.” The first statement opens a door to action: we can apologise, learn, or try again. The second reduces a whole person to a sweeping judgement, leaving a troubling question: what can I repair if I believe everything about me is wrong?

We need a form of accountability that helps us understand what happened. What, exactly, was my responsibility? What circumstances influenced my decision? What can I do now? These questions can turn regret into a step towards repair and give our feelings a clear course of action.

Consider a mother who raised her voice at her child after an exhausting day. She might spend the night telling herself she is a bad mother, then wake carrying the same guilt. Or she can approach the situation more fairly: acknowledge that shouting hurt her child, apologise, and consider how to ask for support and handle difficult moments. In doing so, she accepts responsibility and gives herself an opportunity to change.

The same applies to a teacher who lost patience, an employee who misjudged a task, or a father who realised he had not listened to his son. Each has a specific mistake worth examining, and a life beyond that mistake that deserves to be seen.

Some of the phrases we turn against ourselves may echo words we heard repeatedly: “You’re useless,” “Everyone else is better than you,” or “You’ll never change.” We grow older, and the people who said them may no longer be around, yet we may continue repeating their words in our own voices. Our inner dialogue deserves a pause and a question: is this a fact I can support, or a phrase I have grown accustomed to hearing?

Parents and teachers have a daily responsibility here. When we describe a child’s behaviour precisely, we give them something they can change. We can say, “You haven’t finished the task,” then help them understand what is getting in the way. When we preserve their dignity while correcting them, we offer a model for how they can reflect on their own mistakes as they grow.

For ourselves, we can begin by changing a few words. Instead of “I always fail,” we can say, “This attempt didn’t work, and I need to understand why.” Instead of “I’ve ruined everything,” we can ask, “What can still be put right?” Describing events accurately gives us a better chance of choosing an appropriate next step.

If you have wronged someone, look for a repair that reaches them: a clear apology, something owed that you return, or a behaviour you commit to changing. The person affected needs to see your responsibility reflected in what you do.

Treat yourself with the fairness you would wish for someone you love. Recognise your exhaustion without using it to excuse every action. Acknowledge your effort while remaining honest about what needs improvement. Give yourself room to learn, time to try, and words that help you get back on your feet.

At the end of today, as you look back on what you have done, ask yourself what went wrong and how you will address it. Then ask what you did well, too. Let the picture become complete before you pass judgement.

You are responsible for your actions, and you deserve an honest opportunity to put them right. Do not let your judgement of yourself overshadow your capacity to change.